Dreams, Pain, Tears, Returns and Hope
by The Dream Weaver
Summary: Changes that could have been, hopes that one day will be. Rated for language and suggestive themes,which will be followed through on in later chapters. Hurt/Comfort/Romance/Angst. SHENKO!
1. Dreams

**Dreams, Pain, Tears, Returns and Hope**

**By: **The DreamWeaver

**Summary:** Changes that could have been, hopes that one day will be.

**Span: **Mass Effect 2 and 3

**Disclaimer:** Welcome, dear Reader, to a tale woven for you by the DreamWeaver. This fiction has been spun for you all to enjoy and the DreamWeaver hopes that the story that follows will please you. Remember, love comes in the most unexpected places and happiness can be found where ever you go. Remember, the DreamWeaver works within and around existing legends and the characters in this dream do not belong to the DreamWeaver. The DreamWeaver wishes not to infringe upon the rights of those whom they do belong to. Please enjoy.

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In a ship the size of the SSV Normandy, news traveled faster than Joker's best times for a Citadel run from any reach of the galaxy. So, the grand finale of Horizon was no secret by the time Commander Andromeda Shepard made her weary way back on board the ship. Thanks to a new and handy upgrade from Cerberus, sound and video uplinks installed in each of the ground crew's helmets or visors that fed directly to the CIC and could be disseminated to multiple viewing screens, everyone was partaking in their favorite pastime when the shit hit the fan. Watching the mission feeds.

And by the time the commander returned, ranks were already closing around their leader.

The hours between Shepard's less than triumphant return, complete with throwing her helmet against the wall of the armory so hard it dented before storming off, and lights down passed in a blur for the weary commander. Several times, she found herself in random locations throughout the ship, torn between wanting to be left to her musings and unwilling to be left entirely alone. She was furious, hurt, heartbroken and exhausted, but sleep was determined to be scarce as she paced the length of her ship.

Once, she found herself huddled on the floor of the armor next to Jacob's work table. Her knees were drawn up to her chest where her chin rested heavily, arms wrapped tight around them in a defensive posture. Jacob remained entirely nonplussed by the silent, brooding woman sitting on the floor as she glared a hole in the metal plates in front of her. Without comment, he simply set to breaking down Shepard's M6 hand cannon and left her to her musings. The fact that he was cleaning her weapons surprised Shepard; however she didn't remark on it, as the master-at-arms always insisted that each of the ground crew clean their own weapons and do standard repairs on their own armor.

Later on, while tucked up on the floor next to Joker's chair where there was less through traffic, while listening to Joker's rant about Kaidan's impossibly perfect hair, she was startled again by the slowly forming camaraderie of her crew. The heavily tattooed biotic that lived in the space beneath the engineering deck, Jack, had actually wandered free of the hold to track her down. She didn't say much, just nodded at the commander, before tapping a few buttons on her omni-tool as it flared up.

"Here. It's a good list. I listen to it when I'm in a Fuck-Everyone mood."

Which would be near constantly? Shepard didn't say that, instead she thanked Jack for her kindness and looked to her own tool to see the music playlist she had been sent. Jack grunted a response and shied off, back to her hidey-hole.

The rest of the afternoon followed in a similar fashion.

Kasumi tracked her down to press one of her hard bound romance novels, worth a pretty penny, into her hands. She shrugged when questioned, "This one always cheers me up."

Garrus dragged her down to the shuttle bay to spar a few rounds, insisting that she needed to beat someone up and it might as well be him.

Grunt willingly rearranged the shuttle bay for the exercise and crowed merrily when Shepard won.

Dr. Chakwas hauled her in to the medical bay for a drink from her private stash and a selection of hilarious moments from the old Normandy that set her laughing until she had tears in her eyes.

The engineers, Ken and Gabby, worked together to make a new decoration for her cabin; a vase of roses made from spare bits, leftover tubing and a lot of electrical tape left down in engineering. They presented it to her with a flourish with Kelly, who was already up in the cabin to feed the fish and clean up the tank. She surreptitiously turned the picture of Kaidan on her desk around to face the wall before placing the vase directly in front of it while the commander thanked all three of them.

Zaeed had wandered into her cabin, making a pithy comment about "guddamn special treatment" from Cerberus as he took in the view. Then, with a grumble, he picked up a few of her completed models and hung them neatly for her on the highest reaches of her pegboard. When he left, her eyes were drawn to Barkspawn's cage, where a neatly constructed wheel was being run on by the hamster.

Miranda brought up a selection of vids from her private collection, ridiculous comedies and intense action flicks that didn't have a hint of romance in them, citing the need to stop thinking about the mission for at least an hour or two. That shocked Shepard the most, that the Ice Queen would even suggest not considering the mission for an hour or so.

Even Mess Sergeant Gardner participated in this deluge of kindness from the crew. He snagged Shepard on her way past and assigned her "baking detail." In other words, he regaled her with stories from his past on the eezo rigs while baking cookies and muffins for the crew and having her "sample" the dough and batter every few minutes. And he insisted that she test one of the beaters from each batch to ensure the quality of the ingredients. It was the best detail Shepard ever remembered being voluntold for. Then, when she was finally ready to settle into her cabin, he came up with a cup of tea from his own, private blend, to help her relax and get some sleep tonight.

Which brought Shepard to take in her current situation; the heavy, pulsing playlist from Jack turned down low on the sound system next to her bed. The hard bound book rested heavily on her thighs as she tried, again, to focus on it. But the words kept blurring together and she found herself reading the same sentence three or four times without comprehending what was written. The scent of tea was fragrant in the air as it sat near her elbow on the side table next to her couch. Her bare feet were propped up on the coffee table in front of her, Barkspawn's wheel making the slightest whirring noise as he ran on it happily. Raising her chin to shift her tired eyes to the fish tank, she found a tight knot of nostalgia rising in her chest as she imagined the Presidium's lake. It just… wasn't fair…

The door to her cabin chimed once and, without waiting for her to even rise to her feet, hissed open. Alarm mixed with concern flooded her system and she threw the book aside and upset the teacup at her elbow as she ripped herself off the couch. Gaining her feet, she mentally prepared herself for either a fist fight, a screaming match or a hug and balled her fists as she came around the coffee table. Nothing prepared her for what she was met with.

Staff Commander Kaidan Alenko was coming in the doorway.

The ground dropped out from underneath her and she took a step back to regain her balance, planting her feet and readying for a fight.

His handsome face was set in an unreadable mask, the tunic top of his formal uniform clenched tightly in one fist and the other just as balled as he charged in the door. The entire line of his body was fraught with tension and anger, similar to how she had seen him earlier in the day. Heart pounding in her throat, Shepard waited for him to make the first move and prayed he would use his fists and not his bone-crushing biotics. She could recover from a black eye, but a snapped spinal column would make Cerberus' job harder…

The tunic dropped to the floor as Kaidan, without ever checking his ground eating stride, rushed across the room. Shepard's fists came up; ready to brawl, but he threw her off balance once again.

His arms came up and caught her around the waist, grabbing her slender frame firmly and pulling her into him. They collided hard enough to make her gasp, giving Kaidan the advantage as he tipped his head down and captured her mouth with his. The force of a plasma beam shot through her nerves at that touch, both angry and soft, and left them tingling as her suddenly heavy arms went up and looped around his neck. He pulled her tighter against him, tipping his head to deepen the kiss.

It was a stormy kiss, passionate and tinged with violence, a taste of something she had never experienced with him. He was angry with her, she could sense it in the bruising movements of his mouth against her's, and she had never felt so meek in her entire life. He punished her for being gone, for not contacting him, for Cerberus, with his tongue, his hands gripping her forcefully. She should have been afraid, but all she could feel was a spreading heat through her abdomen and an overwhelming desire to never stop kissing him.

Her numbed fingers curled into the soft length of his dark hair on the back of his head, the opposing hand gripping onto his undershirt for dear life. He pulled her up against him until there was not one bit of space between them, his hard thigh pressed between her own. She shocked herself by clinging to him as he cupped the back of her head, a show of softness, tenderness, as the memories of the night before Ilos rose in her mind. But there was no chance for remembrances as his hands suddenly slithered down the length of her body, eliciting a sharp gasp from her, and curled around her thighs. With a brutal yank, he hauled her up against him with ease and carried her the five steps to the foot of her bed.

Suddenly, she was on the bed without one iota of clothing on her frame. Startled, she raised her gaze to find Kaidan, equally nude, crawling over her. The first touch of his mouth on her stomach, the light bristle of his stubble on her skin drawing a tremble from her muscles as desire flooded her senses, dismissing her confusion. Those long, slow kisses inched higher, not only making her flesh quiver but little sounds to escape her lips as she gripped onto his hard shoulders. His skin was as hot and firm as she had remembered it, the muscles rippling beneath with such strength, without flaw.

Without the scar he had gotten from the falling Sovereign piece on the Citadel.

"It's been so long…" she heard him whisper in the semi-darkness.

"Two years." Miranda's face swam into view.

"So long…" he said again, stronger.

"Been a long time." Councilor Andersen grinned, shaking her hand.

"How've you been?" She asked Tali when they had a moment to talk downstairs.

"How…?" She asked, standing next to Joker as the SR-2 Normandy cruised into view.

"Commander." He grinned, happy to see her.

"Commander." Jacob said.

"Shepard." Wrex grunted.

"Shepard!" Kaidan shouted, reaching for her as she pushed him into the escape pod.

"Shepard, wake up!" Miranda commanded over the loudspeaker.

"Shepard!" the final cry of her name startled her so bad, she jerked upright and almost came skull to skull with Joker. He jumped back, his big hands coming up to catch her shoulders to prevent them from colliding. Disoriented and confused, she stared at him dumbly for a long moment before she realized that she was sitting on her bed, soaked in sweat and breathing in sharp heaves as if she had been chasing down Saren again.

"It's okay, Shep… Breathe…" Joker's voice was soothing as he rose and took the empty glass from next to her bed. He hobbled off to the bathroom, leaving her alone to take stock of where she was. She was still in her room, on the bed. The mug on the side table next to her couch was upright and untouched; Kasumi's romance novel was sitting with a bookmark in it on the coffee table. The acts of kindness from her crew remained unchanged and there was no formal coat thrown on the floor in a heap. The only thing that was out of place was the second pillow on her bed; she found it pressed against her side where she was sitting.

Joke took that moment to hobble back to her side, offering her the glass of water. "Some nightmare, huh?"

"Yeah… Something like that…" she took a few gulps from the glass, finding her mouth strangely dry and dug the heel of her palm against her eye. "What happened?"

"EDI woke me, said you were upset. I came up to check on you and you didn't answer, so I came in." He sat down on the bed across from her, taking the empty glass. "Are you okay?"

"I… I don't know…" she suddenly murmured, looking down at her empty hands as she flexed them. An overwhelming sense of loneliness filled her and she looked away to the fish tank, where the dim light was emanating from.

"It'll be alright, Commander… I'm here if you need me… We all are…" he placed the glass on the side table, then moved to put both bare feet on the floor and offered her his extended arm. Shepard looked at him for a moment, unaware that his heart was aching for that bruised, empty look in her eyes, before she turned to the side and tentatively crept into his side.

He looped his arm around her shoulders and drew her close, her head coming to rest against his shoulder. It took a moment before her walls just collapsed all over the floor and she sunk into his side, her arm going around his waist as she took shelter in the platonic love of a loyal friend. Maybe… maybe she wasn't so alone after all…

They sat like that, side by side, for a long time, re-telling the same stupid stories of the dumb stuff they got into together before she died, laughing until they cried. And when Joker left in the wee hours of the morning, Shepard fell back into bed with a small smile on her face. Suddenly, the galaxy didn't seem so big and so vast… nor so empty… At least she still had friends…

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The DreamWeaver hopes that this part of a dream has pleased you, dear Reader, and, if it has, perhaps you will honor the DreamWeaver with a review.

May your dreams guide you on the pathway to the joys of tomorrow.


	2. Pain

**Chapter 2 –** Pain

**Note – **Gentle Readers, inspiration drove the DreamWeaver to weave a second chapter of this dream. The DreamWeaver desires you, dear Readers, to be forewarned of much sadness spun here. Please remember that the DreamWeaver's tales exist within and without existing legends and owns none of the characters contained within.

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"Mr. Moreau…" EDI's dulcet voice chimed next to Joker's bunk with no response. "Mr. Moreau… Mr. Moreau… Jeff… JEFF!"

The last tone raised into almost a shout, startling the young pilot from his peaceful slumber.

"Whu-…?" he slurred as his head popped up, blurry eyes peering at the blue globe that had raised against the far wall.

"Mr. Moreau, you must get up…" the warning tone in EDI's voice forced the sleep fog out of Joker's brain and he started to haul himself upright.

"What? What's wrong? What happened?" his voice was tight as he grabbed his shirt and began pulling it over the top of his head. "We aren't there yet, are we?"

"No, Mr. Moreau. We still have another twelve hours, eighteen min-…"

"Then what's wrong?" he cut off the AI with an annoyed huff.

"Please see Commander Shepard in her quarters." EDI replied calmly.

"Did she send for me or something?" He swung his legs off the bunk and was reaching down for his shoes when EDI's response came back.

"No. But I am… concerned for her… Something is… not right with the commander."

Joker's blood froze in his veins as his mind raced back to earlier in the day. She had been up in the cockpit with him while he was making the FTL jump from Illium toward Omega, making sure the new armor wasn't throwing off the Normandy's emissions rating. Kelly's voice suddenly popped up on the CIC comms channel, which let Shepard and Joker communicate while separated by the galaxy map, informing the commander that she had a new message. Since she was already up there, she leaned against Joker's chair while she pulled up her private terminal on one of the side computers.

She went completely silent as she read and Joker hummed quietly to himself while she was focused. After a few moments, he looked back up at her and saw her face had gone as white as a ghost and her jaw was clenched so hard he thought he saw a vein in her temple pulsing. Her eyes had lost their focus and she appeared to be staring at the screen without actually seeing it. She practically punched the off button before turning on her heel and walking off without a word.

The fact that she didn't stomp, didn't storm, didn't show any sign of temper was what unnerved him the most. That was how she looked before she raced onto Ilos to potentially die to take out Saren. That was how she looked when she realized that this was a suicide mission. It made him feel like she was ready to walk back into death's arms with no hesitation, not caring that she wouldn't survive… He was worried that she didn't even care if she did or not… Before he could call after her, she was gone.

No one had seen her the rest of the day either…

Hauling himself off the bed with fear racing through his body, Joker hobbled out of the room with nothing more than his pants and shirt on. Barefooted, he raced as fast as his damaged limbs would let him down the hallway to the elevator to take him up to the Loft. Cursing under his breath at how long it was taking for the elevator to arrive and how slow he was, Joker practically danced from side to side with impatience.

The elevator doors hissed open on the top floor of the Normandy and he was spurred forward out of the box by the sound of a loud crash.

The door to Shepard's room rushed open on his approach, almost as if the ship was glad to see him coming to its rescue. And what met him on the inside of the room affirmed that notion.

The Commander's room, usually pristine to a fault, was trashed as if someone had been burglarizing it. The model ships she had collected were strewn all over the floor, there were smashed datapads against one wall and shattered glass against the back wall near the bed. Barkspawn's hamster cage was on the floor, unharmed, in the bathroom and the hamster was rolling underneath the bed in his ball for safety. The sheets were torn apart and thrown on the floor, mingled with valuable books and her recovered N7 helmet. The only thing left on the desk was the private terminal screen, which was lying flat but unbroken on the desk and Shepard was in the middle of all the chaos, slamming the Medal of Honor plaque against the floor with a scream of rage, scattering some droplets of blood.

"Commander!" Joker exclaimed as he darted across the room and practically slid on his knees to a stop behind her. His burly arms closed around her frame, pulling her backwards into his chest with her upper arms pinned to her sides. She struggled a little; it was almost half-hearted in the way she jerked from side to side without throwing any elbows into his sternum. Joker breathed a small sigh of relief… At least she knew it was him…

Then she went completely still and her head dropped like the weight was too much for her neck to bear, red hair falling from behind her ears to veil her face. Her hands with their split knuckles, the source of the few blood drops on the floor, collapsed to the ground on either side of her legs. He felt her frame begin to shake and he tensed, waiting for her to whip around and punch him for touching her like this.

Instead, she did the first womanly thing he had ever seen her do…

She began to sob.

"It's more than just time… I've lost so much…" she whispered brokenly, that defeated tone in her voice moving Joker to hug her closer.

"I loved him, Jeff… I loved him so much…"

Those hot tears rolled down her cheeks and pattered onto Joker's arms as he held her close. His head bowed slightly as he, too, felt himself begin to mourn for all that she had lost. He had mourned for her… And when she came back, he was so glad to serve under her again that he didn't realize all that she would have to give up to live again. She had given up her life, her status as a Spectre, her place in the Alliance… And the man she loved… Just to be alive again… And she never asked for this, never asked to be brought back from the dead, never asked for this mission against the Collectors. Never asked to lose everything she had fought so hard for…

"I know, Shepard… I know…" he whispered softly.

"This is for him now… So he has a chance to… have a better future… I just wish…" Her wish to be part of his future was left unspoken between them and Jeff hugged her tight now, his chin resting on her shoulder.

She cried for a long time, pouring out the anguish in her soul, emptying herself of all the pain and rage at how unfair this was that she had kept bottled up inside. She mourned for her lost life, her lost love, for all she had given and all the insult she had received. She cried for her memories, for faces and friends that she probably would never see again, for the hopes and dreams that would live forever unfulfilled. She wept for herself, for Kaidan, for Joker, for all her friends, for all her crew… her family… She cried until there were no more tears left in her frame.

And when she was finally empty of her pain, Joker felt her droop in his arms and sit limply on the floor. He rose from his kneeling position, wincing at the pain in his knees from staying way too long in one spot, and went to the bathroom. He brought back a wetted towel and helped wash the blood and tears from her face before, carefully, attending to her wounded hands.

When she was mopped up and her injuries checked over, he helped haul her to her unsteady feet. Listless, Shepard moved stiffly to her feet, like a doll that had been briefly animated for a child's entertainment. He tugged her along to her bed and pushed and prodded at her until she settled down on the pillows and he fetched one of her blankets from the pile on the floor. She didn't speak until he had tucked the blanket around her, gently as he would a small child.

"I still love him, Joker…"

"He's a lucky man to have someone like you love him, Commander…" Joker soothed as he brushed her hair back from her face. When she offered him no smile in response, he simply fussed with the blankets once more and then hobbled away from the bed. EDI dimmed the lights kindly as Joker climbed the stairs to her desk area. Quietly, he hefted the terminal screen into an upright position and brought the lamp shade down from its awkward angle. He clicked on the light before lowering himself into the chair that had been largely ignored.

In the semi-darkness, he heard her murmur, "It was better when I was still dead…"

Joker didn't respond, simply touched the screen so the terminal would begin its reboot. Rubbing the side of his face with his palm, he wondered what brought this all on, what could have happened to make her break down like this… Her home screen popped up in front of him, a little mark next to the mail icon that announced there was a message still unmarked as read. Frowning and suddenly worried that she might have missed something important while she was locked away, he opened the mail tab. Inside was only a single, solitary message.

From Kaidan Alenko.

Glancing over at the still form of the Commander, her eyes closed and her breathing evening out into the rhythm of sleep, he took a deep breath and opened the message. Please don't hate me in the morning, he thought before clenching his jaw and setting his mind into the message.

Joker sat back in the Commander's desk chair, trying to force his hands to relax from the fists they had curled into, unsure if he could hate a person more at that point. He felt like Alenko had kicked the Commander in the stomach after biotically lobbing her heart through a mass relay. He couldn't even find a way to feel reproach at the Commander's breakdown. He couldn't blame her at all, he figured he'd probably lose it too if he was under even half the stress she was dealing with, then receiving that mail on top of being dumped.

"EDI." He called quietly, making sure he didn't disturb the sleeping Commander.

"I am here, Jeff." The AI chimed in an equally low volume.

"Record all that?"

"I certainly did."

"Bring the footage up here. I think 'Commander' Alenko needs to lose a little sleep tonight." His voice dripped with sarcasm at the title.

"Already ahead of you, Jeff," EDI pulled up the recording for him and opened editing tools next to it. "Make him suffer."

"I love it when you get evil, EDI." Joker turned his attention to the screen while Shepard slumbered on just beyond him.

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The DreamWeaver hopes that this part of a dream has pleased you, dear Reader, and, if it has, perhaps you will honor the DreamWeaver with a review.

May your dreams guide you on the pathway to the joys of tomorrow.


	3. Tears

**Chapter 3 –** Tears

**Note – **Please forgive the length of this chapter, dear Readers. The DreamWeaver will endeavor to prepare something with more substance upon the next chapter. Also, the DreamWeaver sends sincerest thanks and appreciation to the kind Readers who have gifted the DreamWeaver with reviews; and hopes that this new chapter will please you.

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A small chime sounded in the quiet apartment on the Citadel. The only light in the room was the small terminal screen and a low powered lamp that illuminated several hardcopy files and a datapad. Beyond the pool of light, four dim walls stood unadorned except for a kitchen area and a bed. It was tiny, impersonal and surmounted by a large desk that housed the terminal. There was nothing of interest to speak of, as plain and dull as the room was, except for the single occupant.

Shuffling back to the desk with a glass of water in his hand, Staff Commander Kaidan Alenko was still dressed in his dress blues. Despite the late hour and the deep gloom building within the confines of the small apartment, sleep was still elusive to him. He found himself working later and later hours the past week since being reassigned from Horizon after… she… had completed his mission for him… It was getting harder and harder to sleep, the dreams would come on so fast and furious that he never remembered putting his head down on the pillow.

And they were all of her… God help him, they were all of her…

So he worked. He worked so he wouldn't taste her mouth again as he kissed her with every ounce of passion he could muster. He worked so her velvety soft skin wouldn't make his palms tingle as he caressed her bare thighs. He worked so her fallen angel voice wouldn't gasp his name while her fingernails dug lightly into the skin of his shoulders. He worked so her scent wouldn't fill his nostrils and leave him searching for it when he woke. He worked so he wouldn't drive himself insane, dreaming of that night before Ilos, wanting more than he had any right to ask for, wanting her body, her soul… her heart…

He had mourned… He had mourned so deeply… He had cried more than he had thought he could ever cry for her… He had begged and pleaded on her empty coffin to just be a bad dream, so that he could wake up next to her… Or even wake up and be near her again… He couldn't even attend the ceremony where they posthumously gave her the Star of Terra; it took him six months to even watch the vid of it. He had hid in his room and drank until he passed out cold and was insensible for days.

But, eventually, he realized that she wouldn't have wanted him to live like that, begging her ghost to come back and wishing he were next to her, just as dead. It had taken him eighteen months to pull himself out of his stupor and get it together enough to perform more than the barest of his duties. Eighteen long months of coaxing himself into being somewhat close to normal again, to pick up the pieces of his life and carefully glue them together with bitterness and tears. He had still had his good days and his bad, especially when the migraines from his implants took him.

Until a week ago…

Sitting down at the desk with the glass just beyond a pile of paper, Kaidan huffed a heavy sigh and scrubbed his right eye with the palm of his hand.

"Who would be messaging me at this hour?" he asked the still room and paused as if he were expecting an answer from some unseen source. He slid his hand to the back of his neck and squeezed the tense muscles while reaching out to tap the mail icon.

A message popped up. There was no return address; it was simply listed "Address Classified". The next line only bore his name, without rank or title. How strange… Frowning, Kaidan scrolled the screen down to see the body of the message. A clip in the corner told him that there was an attachment of sorts and the body contained only one line.

"Next time, get the whole story."

Kaidan sat back in his chair and stared at the message in wonder. Suddenly, a document file popped up on his screen even though he hadn't clicked the file to open it. He caught the title of the project before a video screen appeared on top of it, blocking out most of it.

"Project Lazarus…? What…?"

The black screen suddenly brightened and his apartment was filled with a wail of anguish from a voice he had heard every single night in his dreams. He sat back in his chair hard, slamming his shoulder blades into the back as his heart caught in his throat. His hand reached out convulsively to touch the image of Commander Shepard as she sobbed for the first time in his knowledge of her. The lump in his throat became unbearable and the tears fell down his cheeks unchecked as he listened to her confession to Joker. The video then paused for a moment, the time stamp telling him that over an hour of her crying had been cut out. Why would they cut that out?

The room was suddenly dark, lights dimmed to something more suited for sleep than glaring overheads. Shepard was curled up on the bed, staring up at something in the ceiling that he couldn't quite see. Joker was tucking a blanket around her, having rescued it from the pile of linens on the floor. Her features were completely blank but her eyes… her eyes were bleak and full of pain. She spoke, the words lancing at his heart like a knife wound. Joker said he was lucky… Was that the understatement of the millennia or what? Then Joker left her alone in the darkness, moving to sit at her desk so she wouldn't be left completely alone. All went still.

"It was better when I was still dead…"

The words came out of the dark like a verbal baseball bat to the face. Kaidan fell back in his chair as if he had been struck, his mouth open. The screen went dark through the blur of tears and he leaned forward to put his head into his hands. He found himself sobbing quietly into the stillness of the night. But it wasn't for himself that he cried, not for his pain, not for his loss, not for everything that he had just seen. Not because he had just pushed away the only woman he'd ever loved.

He cried for her.

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The DreamWeaver hopes that this part of a dream has pleased you, dear Reader, and, if it has, perhaps you will honor the DreamWeaver with a review.

May your dreams guide you on the pathway to the joys of tomorrow.


	4. Returns

**Chapter 4 –** Returns

**Note – **Dear Readers, the DreamWeaver was inspired to write this dream by an amazing Deviant named Yuiseppe and the DreamWeaver desires that she take credit for this part of the dream. The DreamWeaver requests that you, dear Readers, take the time to view her additional Deviations and leave this incredible young artist some encouragement. Also, the DreamWeaver would like to leave another resounding "thak you" to the kind Readers who have left a review.

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"Well, well, well. If it isn't Commander Shepard," a slightly sardonic sounding voice startled her from her contemplations of the grass blades between her feet. Shepard's hand raised to rub along the back of her neck as she slowly sat up on the park bench. "Back so soon? I thought you said you had somewhere to be."

She sat up slowly, looking up at the bearer of the familiar voice as they came to stand in front of her with a hand on the hip. Beyond, a soft summer breeze rustled the branches of a small cluster of trees and whipped bits of pollen up from the growth of wildflowers nearby. It was a beautiful evening. The sight of the familiar figure brought several sensations rushing at her. Relief, sadness and realization flooded her senses and she found herself looking back down at the grass again with a small sigh.

"Oh… it's you…"

"Yeah, me." The figure had a small smirk in their voice. Arms crossed over an Alliance military uniform chest, slender and strong. A woman's frame. Familiar frame. The face was still shrouded in sunlight, but Shepard was already aware of who it was.

Shepard sighed again and rubbed the side of her face now. "Guess that means I'm dead, huh?"

The figure nodded, red hair falling along a chin that Shepard could see now. "Are you content with that?"

Shepard sighed softly and rested her elbows on her knees, tucking her hands underneath her chin in a posture of sadness and defeat.

"Well… I've had a good run… Lived and did more than most… Maybe more than I should… But it was good…" But the words were so bittersweet… Like there was something more that could have been said…

The figure seemed to understand as they asked with head tilted slightly to the side, "No regrets?"

That brought a frown to Shepard's face and she hefted herself back up into a sitting position to look up into the sunlight crowned person, arm flinging over the back of the park bench. "Of course I have regrets! Who doesn't?"

Instead of responding, the figure seemed to give Shepard a long, hard look.

_"Shepard, I'm glad you're here!"_ The faint whisper of a digitized voice sprang out of her memories, making her jaw tighten slightly as she remembered.

"I wanted to see Tali's house on Rannoch, like her father promised." She murmured, lowering her head slowly to look at her boots.

_"This is now my favorite spot on the Citadel! I think I'm going to erect a monument right here, bronze this gun so the whole galaxy knows!"_ Another echo filled her ears, the memory of the bottle shooting contest filling her eyes as she stopped viewing the peaceful park that she had been resting at.

"I wanted to go to the bar with Garrus again."

_"Do not mourn for me, Siha." Thane whispered._

_"Alright Lola, can you dance?" Vega cracked his knuckles with a laughing look in his dark eyes._

"I wanted to go to Armali with Liara…" she whispered, closing her eyes as the memories of her friends… her crew… her family… came back to her vision.

_Joker grinning as he made racial jokes with Garrus on the bridge._

_Mordin, smiling with such bittersweet happiness, before climbing into the elevator to free the krogans from the genophage._

_Jack cursing Joker out over the shuttle comms, laughter sparkling in her eyes for the first time._

_Grunt slamming his fists to his chest and letting out a battle roar that reminded her so much of Wrex, who was watching on with pride puffing his chest no less._

_"Shepard…"_ a familiar, beloved voice echoed in her mind's eye… Or was it somewhere outside of her memories…?

_"I can't… lose you again…" he whispered, his hand brushing against her cheek, the smooth metal of his hard suit leaving a tingling trail in its wake._

_"I'm going to be there when this is over. You'd better show up…" she had replied, trying to choke down tears._

"And Kaidan…" she told the figure suddenly, the regrets were clawing at her chest, tightening the muscles around her lungs and filling her throat with a lump.

_"I love you…" he whispered before crushing his mouth to her own, grabbing her up against him with a longing bordering on desperation. The kiss was filled with sadness and fear, worry and hope. She responded slowly, trying to make it linger, trying to ignore the world for just one more minute… So she could have one more memory of him before she never saw him again. Tried to remind him that she loved him more than the air she breathed, that he was just as essential to her as it was._

"Shit…" she swallowed hard as she forced the tears back, blinking her way through the pain. "I-I… I need to go back… I'm so sorry…"

Shepard looked up at herself as the other approached slowly, taking in the smile that was forming on her lips. The other shook her red head with a warm look in her amethyst colored eyes.

"There, look!" a faint echo sounded on the very edge of her hearing and Shepard looked to the side, wondering if she had heard it or it was just the remnants of a memory.

"Don't be." The other Shepard called her back, causing her to look up with a startled expression on her features. She was smiling and holding her hand out to her.

"We found her! She's here!" It was fainter now, but she swore she was hearing someone else call out to someone else, even though they were alone in the park.

"I wanted for you to live for us. Hell, I still think you owe me one." The other Shepard laughed as she held out her hand. Shepard hesitated only once before taking the offered hand, the offered hope, the offered chance for dreams. The other Shepard hauled her to her feet off the bench and they stood eye to eye for a long moment.

"Now get the hell up, soldier. You have one last fight to win." The other Shepard barked and the park suddenly spun underneath Shepard as she heard the sudden cry of Admiral Anderson's voice.

"Shepard! Oh god, Shepard, hold on!"

Shepard looked back at the park bench, where the other self was now sitting, leaning back with the sun on her face and a smile on her lips. She waved at Shepard as she found herself starting to fall backwards and her parting words echoed over and over in Shepard's mind as she fell down, down, down…

"I'll be here… Keeping your seat warm awhile longer…"

And then, everything faded into nothing...

* * *

The DreamWeaver hopes that this part of a dream has pleased you, dear Reader, and, if it has, perhaps you will honor the DreamWeaver with a review.

May your dreams guide you on the pathway to the joys of tomorrow.


	5. Hope Part 1

**Chapter 5 –** Hope part 1

**Note – **A new offering for you, beloved Readers, one of many in the near future. The DreamWeaver apologizes in advance for leaving you, dear Readers, dangling on the precipice. And, as a small deviation from the norm, the DreamWeaver would like to thank Mizuko and Volati for their exceptionally kind reviews.

* * *

"Where are we going?" Kaidan heard Liara ask as they passed another set of barriers filled with armed guards and biotic teams, the third once since they entered the long, underground tunnel nearly fifteen minutes ago. Ahead of him, supported on both the asari and Tali, Joker was sweating with the effort of trying to keep up with Anderson's grueling pace on his damaged legs. In the dim light, Kaidan watched as he looped his arms over their shoulders to lean more of his weight on them, wincing with the effort of keeping out without breaking his brittle bones.

"Classified, so far beyond top secret that I can't even tell you what's going on until we get there." Anderson grunted in reply, never checking his stride as they raced anxiously from one dim light pool to the next. "I'm not even supposed to be bringing you down here, but this is vital. Too much hinges on the next hour."

"More than the Reapers?" Garrus frowned at Kaidan's side.

"Enough to haul us out in the middle of the night?" Vega agreed as he continued to sandwich Kaidan between him and the turian. They were practically frog marching the major down the hallway, something that left him wondering if it was out of concern that the sedatives he was to be taking would kick in or because he might bolt if there was something at the end of this tunnel that he didn't want to see.

The crew had taken many steps over the past five days since the Crucible had entirely wiped out the Reapers and left many, many questions unanswered to be kind to Kaidan. After the massive explosion from the Citadel had destroyed the Reapers where they stood, there had been no sign of Commander Shepard, despite a wide-scale search and rescue operation. The only thing uncovered was her helmet, burned almost beyond recognition with the visor completely blown out, splattered with blood. After emptying the contents of his stomach at the sight, Anderson had assured him that there was no trace of the commander, therefore he wasn't going to stop searching.

However, as the first day turned into three, Kaidan's already painfully slim hope was slowly shredding. And here, on the dawn of the sixth day since the destruction of the Citadel and disappearance of Shepard, he was only holding on until Anderson and Hackett officially declared her dead. He was slowly dying inside, wanting to scream and rage and cry, but having to stay strong and keep his chin up for the rest of the crew. They had to carry on with the mission as Shepard would have wanted them to; they had no one but Kaidan to hold them together right now.

"I didn't want anyone seeing you come down here. Cover of darkness will maintain secrecy." Came the gruff reply, pulling Kaidan from his inner thoughts where the world was still ending and he was beginning to fall apart…

"We should be helping the wounded and bringing supplies." Liara was just as displeased as the rest.

"Trust me; this is worth the time taken out of your mission." The entire crew of the Normandy was huddled together in a fast moving crowd, Anderson having insisted on everyone except EDI to come off the ship and attend this secret council or whatever it was. They were all on edge behind Kaidan, he could hear it in the way they spoke in tight whispers and walked shoulder to shoulder in small knots. He looked back at Donnelly's terse face, his arm around Daniels' shoulder as they kept up behind Engineer Adams. Donnelly nodded to Kaidan reassuringly, but he was unable to feel reassurances anymore.

"Are we… oh, no…" Cortez said as they finally came through a fourth barrier filled with biotics and stopped at a pair of doors surrounded by eight, heavily armed guards.

"Are we keeping something in or out?" Vega sounded wary and Kaidan shifted to see around Liara and Joker to see what everyone was staring at.

"Keeping everyone out. What's inside is top priority and I need y-…"

On the door, the word "Morgue" was printed in ominous letters.

The world dropped out from underneath Kaidan's feet and he sunk to his knees. Garrus dropped down next to him, reaching down to haul him back up. Kaidan's breath caught up in his throat and he couldn't find a way to get it starting again. His head was pounding as he stared at the sign, feeling the burn of tears forming in his eyes. He shook his head over and over again as Garrus and Vega tried to help him up and off the ground.

"No! NO!" he managed to force out, the edge of his voice rising into hysteria as he tried to back away from the doors on his knees and fell backwards into Dr. Chakwas' legs. The tears were coming on mercilessly; there was no way for him to control them. This was it; this was the moment he was waiting for. And there was no way he could be stoic or try to deal with it. Not again. Not again. She had left him again; he couldn't deal with the thought of her being gone forever again. Everything was starting to crumble around him… Please don't make me go in there, please…

"Keelah se'lai…" Tali's digitized voice suddenly cut through his cries of agony, her helmeted face pressed against the door's windows.

"No way… No possible way…" Joker breathed in amazement.

"Oh goddess… it's a hospital room…" Liara gasped, causing Kaidan's head to jerk up in shock, the tears still rolling but the sobs were cut off to burn in the back of his throat.

"Wh-what…?" he whispered.

Anderson suddenly cleared his throat for silence, bringing the sudden noise of the Normandy crew to a dead standstill. Garrus took that moment to yank Kaidan to his feet, steadying the unstable human with a kindly grasp on his shoulder.

"Dr. T'Soni and Dr. Chakwas need to go in first and talk to the doctors. The rest of you can go in but stay out of the way. Go in slow and watch your step." Anderson directed quietly. He nodded and the guards opened both doors slowly, allowing the concentrated light within to spill out into the gloom of the tunnel. Shifting Joker over to Tali, Liara and Dr. Chakwas made the first excursion to the room, thus opening up the contents for the view of the rest of the crew.

Inside the morgue was a single hospital bed, illuminated by a number of stand lights plugged into a generator in the corner. Equipment and monitors surrounded the bed, which was facing away from them, some flashing, some beeping, many standing by as if in waiting for some kind of emergency. Tools and needles stood in rows near a wall, along with a number of what looked like surgical equipment, lying in wait for something to go wrong. Wires crisscrossed each other on the floor, running to generators, equipment, things no one but the two doctors completely understood. More tubes and wires ran in and out of the monitors, all leading to the away facing bed.

Kaidan watched through bleary eyes as Liara and Dr. Chakwas rounded the bed to speak with the doctor and froze in place. Liara's blue skin paled several shades and Dr. Chakwas looked away as if she couldn't stand to see whatever was on the bed.

"Oh Goddess…" he heard her speak to the salarian doctor who had approached the bed to take readings from the monitors that he couldn't see from this angle. "Is this… it can't even be possible…"

The room went completely still, all eyes glued on the medical team ahead of them.

"We thought the same when she was brought in," the salarian doctor agreed as he wrote on the clipboard that was next to her bed. "No one should have survived that… But she was making progress, until recently…"

Liara turned away from whatever was on the bed while Dr. Chakwas, now equally white, spoke up to the doctor.

"Is she… is there any… any chance…?"

"There was," the doctor affirmed with certainty. "The brain is not dead, vitals were surprisingly strong and then… then she started to come out of the coma and vitals began failing. We do not know why, as the implants are continuing to renew the flesh and she is healing…"

When he trailed off helplessly, shrugging his shoulders, the asari nurse at his side suddenly piped up.

"It's as though she has lost the will to live…"

The pieces clicked. The doctors. The nurses. The secret, underground hospital room. Anderson and the middle of the night race to be here. Everything about this place was wrong and it all suddenly clicked into place. Kaidan's world lurched and he staggered once, gasping for breath, and was caught by Vega. The movement only served to launch him forward and he grabbed Anderson by the front of his too pristine dress blue jacket. He had been dazed by the realization and now he was angry.

"YOU BASTARD! How long? How long have you had her? How long were you going to keep her without telling me?" he screamed into the old man's face, ignoring the shocked cries of the rest of the crew around him.

"Major! MAJOR! Damn it, Kaidan, let go and I'll explain everything!" the admiral shouted as Ken and Cortez came forward and hauled the kicking and fighting Spectre off. They wrestled with him for a few moments before they were able to subdue him and pin him between them, his arms pinned behind his back. Anderson adjusted his uniform before rubbing his forehead with his hand. After a deep sigh, he looked to the bed while he explained.

"We found her four days ago. Over a mile from where we found her helmet. According to reports of others, she was wounded in the blast, got up… and took out a Reaper, personally. Not just the husks or cannibals, one of the destroyers. She emptied an entire Cain into the eye, blew it up from the inside out… Blessedly, the radiation was contained within the shell of the Reaper but… The backlash… was devastating…" he trailed off, swallowing hard, as if the memory of finding her was unsettling. "The last report was of her on her feet, being swarmed by husks, when the Crucible fired…"

"Somehow, she was still alive when we found her. We brought her back here for treatment. No one has heard anything from Cerberus and I wasn't about to take any chances… Not while she's this vulnerable. She was starting to heal, if you can believe that. But then…" he stopped as Liara approached, her blue eyes filled with unshed tears. Her hands twisted together and she appeared to take several deep breaths before she was able to steady herself enough to explain.

"Kaidan… I… I'm so sorry… It's… It's bad… It's really, really bad…" she whispered, causing Kaidan's heart to pound in his throat with growing fear. "How she's managed to survive this long… I-I don't know… It shouldn't be possible… But she's alive, Kaidan… She's alive… But…"

* * *

The DreamWeaver hopes that this part of a dream has pleased you, dear Reader, and, if it has, perhaps you will honor the DreamWeaver with a review.

May your dreams guide you on the pathway to the joys of tomorrow.


	6. Hope Part 2

**Chapter 6 –** Hope part 2

**Note – **The DreamWeaver would like to apologize to you, dear Readers, for the delay in the creation of this newest chapter of the dream. Father Time paid the DreamWeaver a visit, thus preventing the crafting of more dreams. The DreamWeaver promises more dilligence in the future and offers this chapter in supplication for your forgiveness, beloved Readers. The DreamWeaver also extends the deepest of gratitudes to JoleeKee and Anonymous for their most kind reviews, your words of encouragement are most appreciated.

* * *

"_Kaidan… I… I'm so sorry… It's… It's bad… It's really, really bad…" she whispered, causing Kaidan's heart to pound in his throat with growing fear. "How she's managed to survive this long… I-I don't know… It shouldn't be possible… But she's alive, Kaidan… She's alive… But…"_

A weird numbness was starting to fill him at this point, probably his mind's way of trying to cope with the waves of fear, guilt, hope, elation and terror that kept washing over him. The only feeling that wasn't being dragged down into the blissful numbness was the overwhelming urge to see her. He had to see her regardless of Liara's warning at how bad of shape she was in. He shrugged off Cortez and Donnelly at this point, pulling his arms free of them without any motion toward Anderson. Without replying, he pushed through the crowd.

The walk to the hospital bed was empty, filled with absolutely nothing. No thoughts, no fears, no tears, nothing. That strange numbness burned away everything, including that tight knot of fear that he should be feeling upon approaching the hospital bed of the only woman he'd ever truly loved. Who was now dying and not even of her injuries. He came level with the bed, eased around several monitors and came to a halt at Dr. Chakwas side.

And stumbled back with a gasp.

Nothing, no numbness, no warnings, no words, could have remotely prepared him for what he viewed in the bed. The damage to her body was catastrophic, beyond anything he could have believed a human could survive. Over her ruined face, massive third degree burns mingling with scabbing gashes and the rest of the white skin marred with deep purple and black bruises, rested an oxygen mask that was attempting to pump oxygen into her struggling lungs. One arm was in a cast up to the shoulder; the other was dappled with bandages that hid missing chunks of flesh, burns and bruises. Burns, gashes and bruises filled the entirety of her upper chest and shoulders until the white sheet took over and the wounds disappeared beneath.

"Oh god…" he whispered as Dr. Chakwas placed her hand on his shoulder and he forced himself to look at the monitors. The life signs they were reading were rapidly fading, the pulse growing weaker and weaker with each passing moment, the tortured lungs fighting for each pull of air. How had she hung on so long with such horrific injuries? How could she have stayed alive this long… and now they were losing her.

"I know, Major, I know… But listen to me; I need you to look past her injuries… I need you to remember her as she once was…" Dr. Chakwas explained gently in his ear. "The commander is tired, Major… She has done so much, more than any of us… I need you to go to her. And talk to her. Give her a reason to live again. Give her a reason to get better… "

"Can she even hear me…?" he whispered, looking back at the silver haired doctor.

"I don't know… But, at this point, science has failed us. So I'm willing to go on a little faith, if it means we can bring her back."

He looked back at her one more time and took strength in her encouraging nod. Then, he approached the bed cautiously. That fear and trepidation was there now, tightening into a knot in his chest that made it hurt to breathe. That horrific hesitation that he was going to say or do the wrong thing and hurt her more than help her was back. And he found himself starting to shake with the fear as he stepped up next to her bed and looked down on the destroyed woman, the love of his life, the one he wanted to be with forever… Now he had to find a way to voice that…

Reaching down, he hesitated as he tried to find a place to touch her hand without hurting her worse than she already was. One hand found a spot on the back of her hand near the wrist that was only bruised and he rested his fingertips there as tenderly as he could. Sinking down onto the rolling stool that Dr. Chakwas pulled up behind him, the opposing hand twisted a few strands of her beautiful red hair, white starting to show in chunks near her forehead where it had burned off and was growing back. Taking a deep breath, he spoke in a low voice to her.

"Hey there, you… Looking pretty rough… Reapers give you a bad day?" He began, and then looked down at the bed before breathing again. "Screw it… I can't try to start talking to you with a joke or tease you until you wake up and hit me… I just can't… I don't know what to say that will make this better. I don't know how to get you to open your eyes."

He swallowed hard against the lump in his throat. "But I can tell you the truth. I can tell you that I am so mad at you. You promised me you'd be there when this was all over. You promised you'd be there and that I had better show up. And I was there, damn it. I was there and I waited for you. I waited and waited… How could you leave me waiting? How could you be so stupid and get yourself into this mess…?"

A single tear started down his cheek, herald of more to follow, "I love you, Andromeda Shepard. I love you more than any woman I have ever known. I have loved you all of these years. You have been everything to me… Every moment, every touch… every look, kiss… It was everything to me… That night before Ilos… Last week… I have never stopped thinking and dreaming about those nights. I swore I was going to fight like hell for the chance to hold you again… And here we are and I can't even hold you, you damn fool…"

"You are more precious to me than the air, than the sun… hell, than the damn Earth… I'll never love anyone as much as I love you…" He paused to sob softly before he found his voice again, "And that's why you have to wake up, Andromeda… You have to wake up because I can't lose you again. You died on me once; I'll die if you do it again… You have to wake up because I love you, because I need you. I need you to kiss me again, hug me again, tell me that you love me. I need you to sleep next to me every single night and wake up next to me every single morning…"

Tears rolled down his cheeks unchecked, dripping onto her severely bruised arm, stared at her covered chest as she exhaled, willing it to rise again with another breath. Surprisingly, it not only rose again but did so more easily than the last time. "I want to show you my parents' home in Vancouver, with the orchard. We can pick apples in the fall and I'll show you how to make cider. I want you to meet them; I know they'll love you as much as I do… I want to take you to Rannoch to see Tali's house, a real vacation. I want to take you to Tuchanka and meet Wrex's firstborn… I want to meet our firstborn… I want to… Oh god, I want to marry you… I want you to be with me all the rest of our days…"

He looked up into her damaged face and was shocked when he saw the barest flicker of her eyes behind the lids, the smallest crinkle of her brow. A response! A reaction! It was something! He didn't understand what it meant, but it gave him hope, spurred him on to speak more. "So you have to wake up… You have to come back to me… Not just because you promised but because I love you. Because I want to make an honest woman out of you… You have to come back, for me, for the crew, for our children… So you fight this, Romi… You fight this, you fight and come back to me. Come back to me, Romi, please… Come back to me… I love you so much…"

He trailed off at this point, leaning down to press his lips so gently against the back of her hand where his hand had been resting. The soft beep of the monitors finally registered on him and he looked up at them. The slow, steady beep matched the beat of her heart, growing stronger and more stable as the minutes ticked by. Her breathing was still labored, but she was taking in more air with a little more ease than she had been before he'd sat down. He jerked his head back to Dr. Chakwas and the group of doctors and nurses against the wall snapped to attention.

The salarian doctor hustled over to them while the Normandy's medical officer made an urging motion with her hands to keep going. The salarian's omni-tool lit up as Kaidan leaned close to speak to Shepard while he took readings. Liara saw the sudden commotion and quickly stepped over the grid of wires on the floor to speak to Dr. Chakwas and ascertain the change in situation. Along the wall, the Normandy crew held its collective breath.

"I love you, Romi… I love you and I'm here… You are going to be okay, you are going to get better and we are going to take a real vacation… I'm never going to let you out of my sight ever again… I'm going to take care of you and you are going to get better and we will go away, a real vacation…"

"The implants have restarted the regeneration process. Her vital life signs are strengthening. Whatever he is doing, it is working." The salarian affirmed to the two Normandy members after taking his readings and withdrawing to let the two humans have their privacy.

"Could she recover?" Liara asked anxiously.

"It is hard to say, we know almost nothing about her implants and the regeneration process they create." He shrugged helplessly for the second time. "However, her chances of surviving are increasing with the improvement in her vital life signs. If her will to live can return and remain strong… She might pull through…"

"Do you think we should let the rest of the crew come speak to her?" Dr. Chakwas looked over to the huddled crew.

"Indeed I do. If the presence of the male is helping, the presence of many more might help more. Just… remind them that she is incredibly fragile right now and to be careful." He agreed and stepped back to the bed to take a second round of readings. Liara took that opportunity to hurry across the room to Anderson and Joker.

* * *

The DreamWeaver hopes that this part of a dream has pleased you, dear Reader, and, if it has, perhaps you will honor the DreamWeaver with a review.

May your dreams guide you on the pathway to the joys of tomorrow.


	7. Hope Part 3

**Chapter 7 –** Hope part 3

**Note – **Beloved Readers, please forgive the DreamWeaver for this oversight on leaving this dream undone when there have been so many requests for more. The DreamWeaver will endeavor to continue this dream to its culmination.

The DreamWeaver also desires to impart another gratitude to JoleeKee, your words touch the DreamWeaver's heart to the very core and your kindnesses are boundless. The DreamWeaver is eternally grateful.

* * *

"She's starting to improve. The doctors want you all to go talk to her. Watch where you step and be careful, she is so fragile right now. One wrong touch could cripple her for life…" There were many murmured promises of not to touch her at all and to be careful. "And remember… The damage is… catastrophic… Try to look past her injuries, like Kaidan has. Remember her as she was, it will make it easier to deal with seeing her like this…"

Joker took a deep breath and was the first one to brave the crossing across the room. He hobbled carefully over the wire tangle, careful not to trip and break something to wind up in a bed next to her, and came around to view the commander. He sucked wind as his hand came down on Kaidan's shoulder and he found himself closing his eyes, not only to avoid seeing the terrible injuries but also to keep his stomach from rebelling at the thought of the pain she must be in.

"Damn…" he whispered and paused. Then he spoke in a more normal voice, "Damn Commander… Remember when I said you look like shit after coming back from Tuchanka? I take it back. Now, you look like shit."

There was no reaction from the prone woman lying below his view; but the monitors remained steadily increasing, which he took as hopeful signs.

"Guys! You should come see this. Someone finally kicked the commander's ass. Who did I owe five bucks to? Wait, do I still have to pay up if it was a nuke that did it? Garrus, we have to write a joke about this… Like how do you kill a Reaper, throw a marine with a nuke gun at it or something…"

"Lola, are you really napping on the job already? See? That's the problem with marines today, wipe out the Reapers and then they think it's a holiday or something…" Vega decided to join in the light ribbing as he followed Joker's lead and came to the bed alongside Kaidan. However, his first view of her almost took him out at the knees and he found himself stumbling to the side without additional comment. He bowed his head with his brow furrowed, wondering how Kaidan could manage to stay so composed at the sight of the broken Shepard.

Garrus joined the trio standing alongside the hospital bed, the final defector until the rest of the crew crossed the invisible border and began hopping wires in groups of twos and threes. Though Garrus bore the weight of Shepard's destroyed form well, managing a stalwart turian composure as he viewed her injury-wracked form, the rest of the crew's reactions ranged from pained grimaces to sickly shades of green. Each one maintained a cautious focus to not allow their revulsion at the horrific pain their poor commander must be in to color their comments.

Leaning in close to brush a few strands of her red hair with a claw, he murmured just loud enough for Kaidan to hear, "Look, Shepard, it's really flattering that you want to be a lady-killer like me. But seriously, next time let's skip the matching scars. We can try clan markings or something less intrusive."

Kaidan laughed a watery laugh as the turian stepped back to let Traynor close to the bedside as she exclaimed softly, "Oh Shepard, look at your hair! You won't believe what these horrible doctors did to it. Don't you worry, I'll have those knots out in no time and you'll be good as new."

"It's true, Shepard," Daniels' voice came from the back of the crowd, having just regained her composure as she wiped away tears. "Joker may think you look like shit, but we know you just need a brush and some eyeliner and it'll be like the war never happened."

The optimism from the women crashed over Kaidan like a tropical breaker, forcing him to look up at Shepard's still face again. Her brow was still slightly crinkled and there were a few new lines in the corners of her eyes that he had never seen before, but she was still there. She was still their Commander Shepard, their immovable center as he had heard Dr. Chakwas had described her. The girls were right, they were able to look past the damage and see their Shepard, the one whom they all gladly followed into hell. All she needed was a few good reasons to open those beautiful gem-like eyes and she would be as good as new.

"Remember that Bekenstein Hock affair?" Donnelly drawled in his heavy Scottish brogue. "When she was all done up in that black getup?"

"I remember that," Tali's digitized voice sprang up from the foot of the bed. "Kasumi said she spent two hours on Shepard's hair."

"Only for her to have her slap a helmet on like it was a hat. Poor Kasumi, I'd never seen her look so dejected." Donnelly finished, drawing a few chuckles from a couple of the crew who hadn't been a part of that mission. The rest were rubbing away smiles with the backs of their hands or shaking their heads as they recalled the memory. What a day that had been…

"Yeah, that's nothin'…" Joker dropped into the conversation to impart a story that obviously topped that one. "Remember Tuchanka?"

Kaidan looked up in askance as Garrus groaned and put his face in his hands. "Single stupidest thing she's ever done. Killing that thresher maw and the Collector suicide mission notwithstanding."

"And telling the Illusive Man to go to hell." Joker added lightly.

"Or setting herself up as bait for an Ardat-Yakshi." Daniels recalled that one on a dime.

"Racing into that burning factory wasn't very bright; Shepard is too good at thinking with her heart and not her head…" Donnelly chuckled.

"And throwing a thresher maw at a Reaper." James got in on that one.

"Painting that Reaper on the homeworld for the air strike all on her own was pretty stupid." Tali cut in with a decisive snort, shaking her helmeted head.

"So was going toe to toe with that Reaper…" Liara finally managed to murmur from the far back of the crowd. Silence descended for a moment as Kaidan followed the entire crew's gaze as they all turned to look up at Liara in silence. He felt a new lump starting in his throat beyond the one that was just beginning to ease and forced himself to swallow it down. His gaze turned back to the still form of the commander and he could feel the weight of all their stares on the back of his neck. Romi… is there anything stupid in this galaxy you haven't managed to accomplish… Finally, Joker piped up and broke the silence.

"Alright, alright, so the list of phenomenally stupid crap she's done is longer than the Normandy from bow to stern. But seriously? I'm still holding headbutting a krogan at the tiptop of the list."

Kaidan's ears invisibly perked and he glanced toward the green-eyed pilot with curiosity written on his features. As he thought it, his mouth formed the words, "She did what?"

"What? I never told you about that one? Hell yeah, she frickin' headbutted a freakin' KROGAN. It was pure awesome!" Joker was practically bouncing up and down on the chair that had been procured and brought forward for him so he could get the weight off his glass legs. He leaned forward to begin to tell the tale, anticipation shining in his eyes.

Kaidan watched him tell the tale with relish, obviously embellishing some of the fighting words that were said because they were very unlike Shepard to insult a krogan out of the blue. However, he couldn't help but laugh when Joker told the part about how she came back to the ship with a knot the size of his fist forming over her eyebrow, all mottled purple and black. She had slapped an ice pack on it and grunted at them to head to the next destination as if nothing had ever happened. She drove Dr. Chakwas crazy for the next three days by refusing to have it treated with a little medi-gel.

Beyond the sound of his voice, the steady and rhythmic beep of the monitors breathed a new sensation of hope into the hospital room. It was laughed into hysterical giggles at Shepard's antics, wept into tears of joy and thanksgiving, exhaled into the ceiling with grateful sighs. Hope blossomed and sparkled and filtered around the room, born on the wings of those steady breaths and soft beeps. There was a chance, there was a prayer. There was hope, once again.

* * *

The DreamWeaver hopes that this part of a dream has pleased you, dear Reader, and, if it has, perhaps you will honor the DreamWeaver with a review.

May your dreams guide you on the pathway to the joys of tomorrow.


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